I chose the name of my practice, because it is my goal in life to be fully present. Not just when I’m sitting opposite my clients or a community partner, but in the day to day. It is my goal, and I’m grateful that I’m able to accomplish it some days. The truth is, I’m not perfect at this at all. I often need to stop and remind myself to ground myself in the present moment. Some days, I’m not even the one who recognizes I’m not present, instead a friend has to gently point it out and point me in the right direction.
Living In the Present Moment
Truth is that much of our anxiety, fears, and pain lives in the future or in the past. I spend WAY too much time worrying about what might happen, or reflecting on what did happen. I can have a full blown panic attack just by thinking of all the ways that life could go wrong in any moment. It’s AMAZING how quickly our fabulous brains can author our future demise! Our brains are fantastic FICTION writers. They aren’t the best at non-fiction or basing things on facts. The flip side to this coin is that a lot of joy and happiness is in my past too. And it’s super easy to get caught in nostalgia and reminiscing and wishing life were more like that right now.
Whether it’s pain or joy that draws us to the past or the future, the key is that we’re missing out on what IS happening right now. I’m not saying don’t spend any time in the past or future, I’m saying don’t LIVE there. Our reflections in those spaces should be like vacations, time-limited, and chosen not just random. For example, I set aside time every Monday to dream and plan for the next steps in my practice. It’s time limited, so it is both boundless and contained. Then, I spend time re-orienting myself to the focus for the upcoming week and present moment. This is the world I live in today. This is the world that I can use to craft what tomorrow can bring.
I Am Aware
Awareness is key to our experience, that which we don’t notice or name will still impact us, but without our control or influence. Personally, I have spent a lot of time learning to be aware of others, their needs their experiences and their energy. What I had to learn over time was to be aware of my own body. Key parts of my body always spoke loudly (my throat, my chest, my back) but many parts of my body I was completely out of touch with. Learning to do a fully body scan and find the hidden places of tension, experience the pleasure of a texture touching my skin, or even learning what comfort and discomfort feels like.
To be fully present to me means I am living in the present moment, I am aware of my surroundings, my body, my mind and my spirit/emotions. I am authentic in how I respond to these things and try to choose the most effective responses. I can hear some of you right now….that’s impossible to do all the time! Of course it is, that’s why it’s a goal and why I’m imperfect at it. But let’s talk about some of the pieces, what gets in the way and what can make it easier.
Now, it’s important to also note we can experience being OVERLY aware. It’s not a great description of it, but it’s the way hypervigilance can kick in and for me overthinking. I can OVER ANALYZE how I’m feeling, or my environment, or others reactions. It’s key to point out it’s no longer me being aware of my surroundings etc. It’s me getting caught up in the story my mind is creating about all these things!
Authenticity
We curate ourselves on a constant basis. And to an extent this is important. You probably shouldn’t show up to work the same way you would show up to a backyard bbq with family and friends, or how you’d show up to a bachelor/bachelorette party. And yet the core of who you are needs to be the same. That can be a very difficult balance to strike. According to Brene Brown, “Authenticity is the daily practice of letting go of who we think we’re supposed to be and embracing who we are.” So, while we will play different roles at our heart we are unique humans and we should love and accept ourselves for that uniqueness even as we strive to learn grow and be better.
Choosing Effective Responses
This is a daily learning process and a cycle of a bit of trial and error. Please note, this isn’t the RIGHT answer or the RIGHT response, it’s the most effective. In DBT, “being effective” means doing what works; even if it isn’t what feels most fair, or even if it means letting go of proving you’re right.” It’s about asking yourself: “What will actually move me toward my goals in this situation?” rather than “How do I make sure everyone knows I’m right?” One of the difficult lessons in choosing to be effective is that even if I am the most skillfully effective person on the planet (I’m not), there’s no guarantee the other person or situation will actually change in my favor. And yet for me, living in line with my value of choosing effective responses is the end goal.
Now What?
Here’s a couple things you can do today to help you move toward living fully present.
- Get up and move. Whether it’s stretching, yoga, running, walking or even a dance party in your living room. Get up and move with no judgements about how your body moves.
- Practice a mindfulness exercise. Name 5 things you can see, hear, taste and feel in this VERY moment.
- Notice at least 10 things to be grateful for in this moment.
- Practice a “pause” before responding. Count to at least 5. Then choose what feels most effective in the moment.
Remember this is a journey! Enjoy the ride! And if counseling can be supportive of your journey, fill out a contact form and let’s see if we’re a good fit.
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