Television and movies often do a terrible job of showing the therapeutic relationship. Either the therapist is only clinical and shows no attachment or connection with the client, or they have loose boundaries that result in unprofessional and sometimes dangerous behaviors. Today, I wanted to clear up some of those myths perpetuated by these depictions.
Why did I choose today? Because today 4 years ago, I received the call every therapist is told they will receive, and for which none of us is prepared. I received the call that a client was deceased and it was suspected that the cause of death was completed suicide. I remember the feeling, or lack thereof that consumed me and made it difficult for me to concentrate on all that was happening with my own family that evening.
I wish that was the last of those calls that I’ve ever received. However, it’s not. Every Christmas Eve, at some point, the vision of a beautiful young lady who overdosed a Christmas Eve years ago flashes before me. Every summer, the laugh of a young man echoes in mind. The kindness of an older woman who found a way to speak words of encouragement to a young therapist and has since passed on due to medical complications brings a smile to my face . These anniversaries are as real and as poignant for me as those that commemorate those I’ve lost in my personal life.
I write today as a way to commemorate their lives. I suppose today’s blog post is rather a selfish one. You see, it’s much more about me and my grief than it is a consolation to others. So please forgive my indulgence today.
The truth is that counselors grieve along with you. And yet, we grieve apart. For most of us, ethical boundaries preclude us from attending wakes or funerals for those we lose along this journey, regardless of how they pass. This is because your right to privacy does not end with your death. As such, there’s no ethical way for us to answer the inevitable question of “How did you know the deceased?”
So instead, we grieve alone. Some therapists are (wrongly) told that our professional boundaries and distance from clients should somehow make grief absent from our relationship or at least more bearable. Not so. While healthy and appropriate counselors do indeed have professional distance from our clients, part of what makes what we do work is that connection. It is a professional relationship and it is a very real relationship at the same time.
Over the years, I have learned some ways to move through grief without the traditional events that we associate with the loss of loved ones. Here’s the things that help me, and maybe they can help you:
Speak their name.
Privacy and confidentiality means that there are few “safe places” where we can speak their name. However, even if it is only in the privacy of your solitude, speaking the name is important. Our name holds more than just the phonetic representation of us to which we respond. Rather, it represents all of who we are. Our loved ones, our clients, our neighbors and the strangers down the street are all much more than the way they die. So, I speak their name as a way to recognize them.
Recognize both the good and the bad.
Regardless of how someone passes, we often either over idolize or over criticize the memories we have of them. We may become critical of those we believe did them wrong as we list all of their amazing qualities that may have gone under-recognized. We may diminish their memory by focusing on how “screwed up” some of their choices and behaviors were. Truth is just like our own lives, the lives of those we’ve lost contained both amazing feats and difficult trials. It’s okay to remember them both.
Thank them and release your own guilt.
Thank them for what you’ve learned and gained from them. Each person we meet leaves handprints on our own lives. Whether you learned a huge philosophical revelation, or maybe they were simply kind on a difficult day, thank them for the gift they’ve given. Allow yourself to recognize the gifts you gave as well. And release yourself from the guilt of “what if.” This guilt, whether you feel it’s justified or not, doesn’t move you forward to living a better life and instead can trap you in cycles that neither help you, the deceased, nor those who live alongside you.
See the full tapestry.
I love the analogy of our lives being like a tapestry. In moments like this we can become so zoomed in to one event, one life, one loss that it consumes our vision and we think it is our whole life. Over time, we adjust our vision. We still see that piece of thread, that color, but we see it in the context of our whole life. It is a part of who we are, a part of our story, but it is not the whole story. So at times like this, when the grief is more real, and more raw, I try to take a moment and see how this is a piece in a larger tapestry. Maybe even dream of what my next chapter may hold.
Thank you for letting me have this bit of cathartic writing today in honor of someone who is no longer with us.
If you are struggling with suicidal thoughts, you are NOT alone. To have a suicidal thought is actually rather normal part of life. AND by speaking up and sharing, it’s possible to refocus the zoom. You are loved. And there are those who want to help. Please call 1-800-273-TALK (8255) or Text CONNECT to 741741.