I was just chatting with someone today and the conversation turned to what it can feel like when I speak with someone, or walk their journey with them. I shared that because I have what the Judeo-Christian faith refers to as the gift of mercy, or others might refer to as being an empath, that when I am with someone it is like their story leaves fingerprints on my soul. I am grateful that this phrase has come to me because it captures something that has been very hard to put into words.
However, as I sat here reflecting on this, I grappled with the image because I don’t think it’s relegated to only a portion of the human population. I believe that if I could see the souls of clients and friends and family and strangers, they would have fingerprints on them too. So, I suppose as I sit to right this, I am now persuaded that while some may feel these more deeply or may be more aware of them, we all leave fingerprints on the souls of those with whom we come in contact.
I often think in terms of images. As I try to formulate my thoughts for this blog post I have a number of images coming to mind. One is the rather obvious one of a smudgy window. Another is a bruise in the shape of fingers. Another is a child’s ornament with a hand pressed in it. So bear with me as I try to parse out these various images.
The bruise. I wish this image didn’t resonate so much. However, it does. I see it clear as day. I have seen the arms of a child who has been hurt, the neck of a woman who has been strangled, the arms of a man who has been punched. You have seen them too. Yet, I can guarantee that everyday I interact with others whose very soul has been bruised by the actions of others. Some bruises are slight and heal quickly. Others are deep and the outlines remain for many years. There are echoes of pain past and when we brush up against them it can feel as though those memories are happening all over again.
The smudges aren’t bruises. But they are real, none the less. They cloud our vision. Another image quickly comes to mind. I wear glasses and I have discovered that smudges and scratches can make it difficult to see. I also discovered that the human brain is immensely talented at adaptation! You can adapt to seeing through the smudges and scratches and it is not until they are cleaned or replaced that you even realize that your view was distorted. We can, at times, smudge the souls around us, covering them with judgments, opinions, “shoulds,”expectations and limitations.
The handprint ornament. You’ve seen them, usually some type of playdoh or plaster is used to capture the tiny imprint of a child’s hand. What resonates with me in this particular image is the way we react to it. There’s this sort of innate draw to it. We examine it, noticing every ridge detail. We cherish it, making sure it gets an extra layer of tissue before it’s stored for the year. We reminisce telling story after story of when the child was that small. It is, for lack of a better word, a treasure.
So I started to think about how respond to each of these. And this is largely assumption on my part, based on my own experience and experiences that have been shared with me. Bruises we tend to cover them, we attempt to shield them from both sight and touch by others, we even link them with shame. It’s as though bruises that linger on our soul have somehow become a part of us. If they were physical, it would be as if we said, “I”m 5’10”, brown hair, brown eyes, right handed and a deformity in the form of a bruise on left thigh.” Well, that sounds ludicrous, doesn’t it? I mean, why would we define ourselves by a bruise? And yet, we do. In fact as much as I want to pretend this is ludicrous, we do it all the time especially to those with disabilities both physical and mental. So I suppose I shouldn’t be shocked when we treat these emotional bruises this way. Smudges we either adapt to them, look around them, or we attempt to clean them. Handprint ornaments, as I’ve said, we treasure.
At one point in the conversation today, this person said to me, “So what do you do with it?” That set me properly on my soapbox. I got to talk about all the neuroscience we use and how therapy works, etc. Hanging up, I recognized that I needed more. I needed to talk about Healing, Choosing, and Treasuring and Creating. As we break these down, I’m going to talk about when the bruise, smudge or ornament is our own or when it is the echo or imprint of someone else’s journey. You see, as I’ve stated, I bear (as I suspect you do too) the imprints not only of my own bruises, smudges and ornaments, but these echoes or imprints that are created when I’m honored to walk a painful journey with a friend, client, family member or stranger.
Healing
In our physical bodies most bruises heal naturally. Our bodies have been created with natural mechanisms that heal us literally from the inside out. Emotional bruising doesn’t work the same way. And so, as humans, we enter our “problem solving” mode and get to work on healing. Problem is this “problem solving” mode is often rooted in our need to control things. As such, we can end up doing the very things that keeps the bruise around!
Healing looks different for each emotional bruise. But the thing I want to hit on today is to stop covering it up with concealer or protective clothing. I am NOT saying that you should share your bruises with everyone or wear them like a badge of honor. Not all of us are in safe environments and frankly, not everyone is trustworthy with our stories. I AM saying to find someone with whom to share your bruises. Find someone with whom you can wash off the layers of concealer and be real. Emotional healing rarely happens in secret.
For those that are the honored “hearers” of the stories of others you may find that you have these “echoes” of their stories on your own soul. First step is recognizing them for what they are. They are the scars that you received while venturing onto someone else’s battlefield. You can and must feel them alongside the owner of the bruise. And then, you can and must let them go. For me, this is where ritual comes in. Whether you use prayer, water, meditation, or journaling, you must allow this echo to pass. Healing someone else’s pain that lives in you is about being loving and compassionate toward it and then releasing it.
Choosing
This is a difficult one. You see, the smudges on the window aren’t all bad per se. In fact, some should are very helpful, for example, in rearing of a child. You SHOULD wash your body on a regular basis. You SHOULD eat. You SHOULD do your homework and be kind to your neighbor. See how these things that we teach each other are helpful, and yet they masquerade as “shoulds?”
Smudges take the form of thoughts, which reinforced can turn into beliefs that change the way we see the world and ourselves. The first step in dealing with these is identifying them. What are the thoughts, statements and beliefs through which or around which you are viewing the world and yourself? Maybe it’s something rather innocuous like “You can’t believe everything you hear.” Or maybe it’s more significant like “People who love you will always leave.” But until you put words to them, you don’t really know what they are.
Next, it’s time to clean the glass. And I mean with soap and water not just running them under water and then smearing the smudge around into a film. See them, and clean them off. THEN you CHOOSE which ones to act on. You see thoughts are just that, thoughts! Some are true, some are not. Some are helpful, some are not. You can choose to act on them, or not to. The thought is not the one in charge. You are. I know, easier said than done! Well, just like cleaning your glasses, this is not a once in a lifetime event. I regularly have to get out the Windex and examine the smudges on my soul and let go of the ones that aren’t helping so I can get a fresh view of the world and myself in it.
When these smudges belong to someone else, and not me then what I find is often most helpful is “reality testing” with a trusted person. Now, a trusted person is not only someone who isn’t going to dismiss me or invalidate me, it’s also someone who’s not going to sugarcoat things just to make me feel good. They are going to tell me truth in a loving way. Again, real cleaning of the lens, rarely happens in secret. Reality testing is checking in to make sure that the thoughts and beliefs are based on facts and not interpretations or opinions. And in this case, it can mean getting help in recognizing if it is someone else’s stuff or if it’s my stuff that needs to be addressed.
Treasuring and Creating
There’s something about honoring and treasuring those who make positive imprints on our life. Some we remember everything about and some we don’t. For example, there’s an elderly woman from my past. I don’t remember much about her. But, I remember how she made me feel. I felt safe, valued, and loved in her home. There’s a picture of me in her lap. I am in a red dress with yellow small flowers. I love that picture. I cherish it because she made an imprint on my life.
Whether it’s a big moment like someone walking a painful journey with you, or a small moment like a kind cashier at your favorite drive-thru, treasure it! And thank them. Honor it by passing it on. Celebrate it by sharing the story with others. You’d be amazed at the ripples of kindness and happiness that can start when you share the ways others positively impact your life.
Finally, a reminder to all of us, each day we interact with many other souls. We will leave imprints on those souls that we may never see. Let’s endeavor to create moments that they can treasure. Let’s be aware that they may be bruised much deeper than we know. Let’s recognize when our own smudges make it hard to see the humanity in those around us, and take time to wipe off our lens before we respond. Together, let’s help one another create the life worth living!