After my most recent blog about Lessons Learned from Scary Movies, I have been thinking over and over about how we make decisions and when. I came to the realization that whether we are changing jobs, ending a relationship, relocating, or any of the many other life decisions we make, we are OFTEN making them when we are experiencing burnout.
If it’s true, that we should be running TOWARDS things rather than AWAY from something, it seems that the timing of these decisions sets us up for failure! Many times in my life I have made decisions during this time and even when I’m actively working to get in my wise-mind, I have to admit that the underlying thought is usually, “I just want to stop feeling this way.”
So then the question becomes, what are the concrete steps that I can take to help me make these decisions even though I’m already at the point of burnout? While these steps are certainly not fool-proof, I think you’ll find they give you the courage and strength to step out on your values even when feeling burned out.
First, let’s define burnout. Did you know that the World Health Organization (WHO) has been considering “Burnout Syndrome” for classification as a diagnosable condition? While even the WHO primarily focuses on this as an occupational hazard, I think it just might play into much more than that. The WHO says that most researchers agree there are three characteristics to burnout: Exhaustion, Depersonalization and a Reduced feeling of personal accomplishment.
I argue that we can often feel this in our relationships and that experiencing burnout in one realm of our lives, if unaddressed, can bleed into all areas causing the perception of “burnout in life.” To show this, let’s look at each of those three components really quickly.
Exhaustion: The feeling of fatigue, lack of energy, lack of motivation. This can be physical, emotional, mental, spiritual or all of the above. Burnout is precipitated by an extended period of stress. As a result, our bodies, minds and spirits often experience long and/or repeated periods of being on high alert. We weren’t created to live this way constantly. And eventually, our Energizer Bunny batteries run out.
Depersonalization: The official definition can be put simply as the experience that you are not yourself, or this is not your life. While many of us won’t experience that to a clinical level, I would venture to say that most of us have experienced these thoughts. I can’t tell you how many people with whom I’ve spoken who say “I’ve lost who I was,” or “I just don’t feel like myself” or “I’m not that type of person.”
Reduced Feelings of Personal Accomplishment: This one is super easy at the workplace. Maybe you’re still excelling at your job as far as everyone else is concerned, but inside you feel like it’s just not enough. It’s “not like it was.” Or maybe you’ve found you are procrastinating at tasks that you used to accomplish easily. Or maybe you’re feeling that you are being held back from growing. In relationships, I hear the same things, just in different words. I hear, “I want to grow and I can’t” or “I keep trying and it’s not working” or “I feel really underappreciated.”
So, if those are the three components, I’m venturing (hoping) that you are now nodding along and saying, “Yes, I’ve had times in my life when I’ve felt that way, or thought that way.” I say that not because I want everyone to be burned out, but rather because I want to remind us (myself included) that this is a normal part of the human experience. Don’t have to like it, don’t have to stay there, and if others have been there and are not now, that means it can and will pass!
Okay, so we’ve talked about how we have all felt this at some point. We’ve talked about how many of us experience the need to make life decisions even amidst this experience. We’ve established that making a decision based solely on the desire to make this uncomfortable experience stop is probably not the wisest thing. So where do we go from here? Well, I promised keys and here they are.
Key #1: Take care of your vulnerabilities.
We’ve already established that you’re exhausted. If you’re like me, it means that you have also let some of your self-care go. Maybe you’ve dined solely on Little Debbie’s Zebra Cakes, or not eaten at all. Maybe you’ve left your gym clothes in the car far too long. Maybe you’ve worn a pony tail so long you have no idea how long your hair actually is.
Look to address these issues EVEN WHILE you’re exhausted. Each day look to eat, move and keep hygiene. I’m not saying perfection or going all out! I’m not trying to add a long list of “to-dos” to an already stressful situation. I’m saying make a small effort in each area.
And get a good night’s sleep. I know this is hard when you’re stressed. So maybe you need to do a little extra right now. Take a break from electronics at night, or create a sleep hygiene routine that helps you. It’s hard, and I know you can do it!
Key #2: Examine your values.
What are the “must have” and the “non-negotiable” values that you hold in this area of your life? I know we want all of it. We want the job we love, that we do well, that pays well, in the perfect geographic location, where we work with our best friends and there’s never any interpersonal conflict in the workplace. While I hope some of you have that, my guess is most locations will have SOME of this and not all.
The same is true for our relationships. We want relationships that are adventurous and stable, passionate and responsible, kind and structured, long lasting and feel like they just started, that foster independence and yet are with us whenever we want/need. Again, our relationships probably have these things in varying degrees, but most probably don’t have all of this all of the time.
Remember, values aren’t a destination, they are a direction that you are always growing in. You can use online values sorts or an app such as ACTive Values in the App Store. (I’ve put a picture at the bottom of this post so you’ll see the one to which I’m referring).
Don’t just list them, ask yourself “How would I know if I were moving in the direction of my values in this situation?” “What does this value look like in real life in this situation?”
Key #3: Own your stuff and Don’t own the stuff of others
If I asked you what was leading to the stress in your job, relationship, or life my guess is that you’d have a whole litany. Time to look in the mirror and see what you own. Is some of this stress your own expectations and not actually requirements or expectations of others? Is some due to poor boundaries you have set? Is some because you’ve neglected yourself, your job or others? Has your human nature to avoid conflict increased this experience?
Label it and own it. Note what steps it would take to change it and determine the likelihood that you’d be willing to take those steps. Be sure to figure out if you owe it to yourself to try “acting opposite” before making a decision. Then file this information away for key #4.
Don’t own the stuff of others. If there are behaviors and situations that aren’t in your control, that are perpetuated by others or the system, note those. Ask yourself, “Am I willing to radically accept that this may never change?” and “What would I gain if I did accept this?” and “What would it cost me to accept this?” Be sure to compare these potential outcomes to your values.
WARNING: In this step you will probably encounter many thoughts that aren’t facts. You’ll encounter opinions, assumptions, judgments and what-ifs. Most of us are terrible fortune tellers, engage all of your fact-testing skills to weed out these kinds of thoughts. bring in a wise trusted friend to help if needed.
Key #4: Map it out
Think of all the possible solutions, including the far-fetched. Remember when we did brainstorming in elementary school? No idea is a bad idea. Just list them all. Give yourself a time limit though, you don’t want to go into analysis-paralysis.
Choose the top few and do your pros and cons lists (don’t forget to do both long and short term pros and cons)
Now, look at them all and see which two or three jump out the most to you. You’ll use these for Key #5.
Key #5: Try it on for size
Words have power. So, put words to the choices you’ve labeled. Write them down on separate pieces of paper. Get somewhere quiet where you won’t be disturbed. Get in contact with your wise-mind. Pray or meditate on it. And then….sit with it.
Literally, I want you to sit with one of these pieces of papers. Look at it and imagine moving forward with this step. What emotions come up? What urges do you notice accompanying those emotions? What thoughts or images come to mind? What do you feel inside your body while you’re trying on this decision?
Then, cleanse your palate, for lack of a better term. Drink a glass of water, move around, meditate, listen to music, shake off the energy of the first choice. Finally, repeat the process until you have sat with each choice.
Key #6: Take values-directed action
Now you may not know yet what your final step is, that’s okay. And you DO know the value you want to pursue. Some of you will know what you want to do and may take huge steps at this time. Others, will need to look to what the smallest step you can take in this moment is. Whether you take huge steps or small steps, take action.
Remember, choosing to radically accept something is ALSO action.
Proceed mindfully with your values, goals, and ethics in mind.
Whether you are currently experiencing burnout, or have in the past, or have no idea what I’m talking about, I hope that these six keys help you as you make decisions in your life. These kind of decisions can feel really overwhelming and for me they often come with the thought “If I choose wrong, I’ll mess up my whole life.”
Throughout the years, though, I have found that I have made great choices and not so great choices. I have wondered what the other road may have held. And I have figured out (finally) that in almost every situation each choice holds pain and joy. And that if I use my wise-mind, and act in accordance with my values and ethics, I can move with confidence to live the life worth living.
