Warning– Possible triggers
I’ve had a really difficult time crafting this blog entry. The reason is that I absolutely hate articles that are done in such a way as to increase guilt. In fact, if you post something on Facebook that implies I’m a horrible person if I don’t share it, then you can pretty much guarantee I won’t. Most of my clients have heard me say at one point or another, “Stop should-ing all over yourself.” So, when I started these blogs, I wanted to make sure that I didn’t create posts that were one big guilt trip, or list of shoulds. Today’s blog has the potential to be that way. PLEASE if your mind begins to say “should,” please change it to “could.” Today’s blog is very important and a message that is meant to say we must do better. But, it is not intended to be a guilt trip nor a list of shoulds, but rather a gentle reminder that we can and must do better.
Just this week two articles about sex trafficking crossed my Facebook feed and perhaps yours as well. The first spoke to the wide spread impact it has. In Michigan, a recent sting resulted in over 120 of the lost children in the state of Michigan being found, as victims in the trafficking ring. (Article here.) The second, the one that actually spurred this blog post, spoke to how traffickers are using social media to identify, locate and eventually recruit/kidnap their victims. This article speaks to a study recently conducted at the University of Toledo. Please, take a moment and read it.
While not new news to me, I was again struck by how easily predators identify their prey. The article lists phrases that they comb social media looking for:
• “Nobody gets me.”
• “I am so sick of being single.”
• “I am so ugly.”
• “How do I look?”
• “My life sucks.”
• “She’s not my true friend.”
• “My parents don’t trust me.”
• “I’m being treated like a kid.”
• “I need to get out of here.”
Many of these are phrases that “every typical teenager says.” What child hasn’t complained about their parents? Or stated they want to be treated like an adult? What child/teen/person hasn’t longed for connection with others or struggled with self-esteem? These were not new to me. I have had many conversations with young women about how these thoughts and feelings are a part of the normal human experience and how posting them on social media increases their vulnerability to predators.
What did shock me, was when the authors shared the grooming responses that these teens receive from the predators.
• “I understand you.”
• “I love you.”
• “I’ll make your life better.”
• “I’ll protect you.”
• “I’ll make you successful.”
(I edited out some of the more blatantly predatory statements)
What struck me was not the grooming behavior. Unfortunately, I am far to familiar with the impact of grooming on innocent children, teens and adults. What struck me was that these were filling basic needs that we CAN fill in each other.
Every person needs to hear they are loved. Every person needs to have a moment to be heard, a moment to experience being strong and successful in something. To be encouraged to take risks and grow.
However, the groomers take these needs and twist them. Notice that every single one of these statements begins with the word “I”. Stop for a moment and rephrase these to begin with the word You.
* You are loved.
* You are feeling/thinking _________
(a rephrase statement to show understanding.)
* You have the power to change your life.
* You are so good at ___________
* Your (perseverance, courage, tenacity, etc.) will make you so successful.
What power is in these words! Predators always use I first… because it makes it about them and connects the prey to the predator creating a false alliance. WE can change that. We begin by speaking these words on a regular basis to one another both in word and deed. We begin these messages as young as infancy and we don’t stop until the end of the life-span.
These are innate human needs; connection, value, worth, belonging, accomplishment. They may be especially important to preteens and teens who are developmentally seeking for their identity. And they are just as important for the retiree or nursing home resident whose identity and meaning has changed greatly over the last 7 or 8 decades. Many of us have been blessed to have 1, 2, or maybe 100 people speak these words to us. Think on the impact they have had on the course of your life.
I am grateful for those on the front lines fighting such evil behaviors such as these sexual predators, from family members, concerned citizens, and law enforcement. AND I am reminded that the one sure way to get rid of darkness is to turn on the light and to be vigilant in it’s care. Each time we speak light into the life of another we help keep it bright and help reduce the darkness around us.
Below I am sharing some of the links given for parents to be vigilant in the protection and welfare of their children. AND I am asking that each of us commit to speaking loving and encouraging words to one another, to watching for those on the side lines and bringing them into the fold.
Glennon Doyle Melton says “We all belong to each other.” No day does that ring more true to me than today.
Internet Safety 101: Predators
Parents Guide to Connect Safely
CDC Parental Monitoring Guide
Net Nanny Software
Quiz for Kids on Being Safe Online