As you know, I strongly believe that part of living the life worth living is LIVING it. It does us no good to create a life with adventure, love and laughter and then not engage in it fully. You also know, if you’ve read my other posts, that this is no easy task and that I struggle with it often. This past week, I was faced with recognizing another obstacle that gets in my way; the mirror.
I was tasked with finding old photos of myself and my family for a local project. Of course, I found all those awkward teenage moments with frizzy wild hair and acne. We all have them! But it wasn’t those photos that struck me so deeply.
Instead, it was a photo of me headed to a formal event in my teens. I was struck by how great my skin looked. I complemented my younger self on her long and slender neck that was utterly graceful. I looked at how the dress shaped my waist even in all of its mid-90s glory.
Then, I started to look at other photos, ones where friends candidly caught me in the middle of a volleyball game. Or sitting on the lap of a friend as we laughed at game night. Or holding the babies of friends. And suddenly, I started to cry.
I cried for the way I treated that young lady. I cried for all the times I decided she was too fat, or ugly, or unlovable. I wondered what my mind would say if she saw me now. Would I be so cruel to my younger self if I knew what I know now?
I also cried because you could see when it happened. The day I decided I no longer wanted to be in pictures. When I was a child there were tons of pictures (I was the oldest child, of course!). As a teen they began to dwindle. Then right around my sophomore year of college they all but stopped.
I had decided in all my wisdom, that since I wasn’t photogenic, there was no need for photographic evidence of my existence. Okay, so I didn’t actually say that or even have the thought. But my actions sure did convey that. I would always offer to take the picture and would practically threaten anyone that tried to take my picture without me being aware.
I remember visiting my family one time and my niece, who was very young at the time, wanted to take a picture of me. I told her “You know Auntie Aeryn doesn’t like pictures.” To which she said, “But I won’t have anything to remember you by.” Of course, I gave in. And my family laughed.
Truth is though, when I think about those times when I was so carefully avoiding the camera and wonder how many moments were happening that I fully missed because I was so worried about the camera being there? How much time have I spent trying to avoid being seen while simultaneously longing to be seen and heard and to connect with those around me.
In a world full of selfies and filters we can easily get so caught up in capturing the moment that we forget to live it. But for me, the struggle has often been in avoiding that capture. Regardless of where you fall on this spectrum, can you make the commitment to focus more on LOVING and LIVING the life worth living rather than perfecting it for the camera or the mirror?
That’s my goal. I am going to try to not worry about being caught on camera. Not having photographic evidence does not change how my hair looked on Wednesday, nor does it mean there are less wrinkles or gray hair. The truth is my existence is so much more than this, AND my body is part of my existence too!
So, here I am. Take the pictures if you need to. I’ll be loving and living the life worth living!