Photo by Tom Crew on Unsplash

Not that long ago I was speaking with a friend who asked exactly what I did as a therapist. My response was this, “I create spaces within myself to hold things no human should have to so that those who have lived through the unimaginable don’t have to hold it forever.” Deep, right? As pretentious as this may sound the more I reflect on it, the more it truly is an accurate description of what I do. Today’s blog focuses on 2 themes: How do we create space to hold things we weren’t meant to hold? How do we take care of ourselves after we have held it?

How to Hold Space

The first step to holding space is to cultivate a culture of willingness. When a client comes into my office, I have already decided to be intentionally willing. I sit with open body posture, I attend fully, I choose to walk this journey for at least the next hour. It is “easy” in many ways for me to engage this intentional willingness as a therapist. It’s my job. It’s what I do. However, what is NOT easy is for me to engage in this with myself. You see, when it comes to my own discomfort or pain, I respond much like any other human. I don’t like it! I do all sorts of things to avoid feeling it. I may take steps to make it go away, I may fight it, or like an ostrich I may bury my head in the sand and just pretend it’s not there. However, when I choose to be willing I am able to “surf the wave of discomfort” without trying to change it. And as a result, it’s like a little piece of my heart says, “I don’t have to like feeling this way. I’m willing to feel this way in this moment and here’s the space I allow for it. I don’t have to act on this feeling.” Those are really very powerful statements. Let’s take a look at them more closely.

  •  “I don’t have to like this.” No one I have ever met has ever said to me, “Ya know what I really like? Being miserable! I just adore it when I’m experiencing gut wrenching pain and feeling invalidated as a person.” So, for me to say to you, “Choose to enjoy the pain” would be foolish. It’s ok to not enjoy being in pain.
  • “I’m willing to feel this way in this moment.” Recognize that this emotion will not last forever. Give it the time it deserves and feel it. Grieve when you need to grieve, cry when you need to cry, experience true joy when it comes. Whatever emotion you are presented with it’s ok to choose to feel fully in that moment. This does not mean every moment you should fully feel every emotion that comes. If I choose to grieve my own loss during a therapy session with a client, I am being very ineffective in that moment. If I choose to be elated over my recent promotion while sitting with a friend at her mother’s deathbed, I’m not doing a good job of being present with my friend. It’s ok to delay sitting in an emotion, but you will have to sit with it. It’s also ok to set time limits on sitting in an emotion. I will often say to myself, “this afternoon is a good time to cry.” I will let myself cry out whatever pent up emotion is there. And then, at the appointed time, I dry my eyes and choose to allow myself to feel something else. You see, it doesn’t mean my grief or pain has gone away. Rather, it’s living in that space my willingness created for it. But, I no longer have to sit and attend to it.
  • “I don’t have to act on it.” Dr. Steven Hayes, PhD, one of the founders of Acceptance Commitment Therapy (ACT) will often use this exercise when teaching the principles of ACT. Be seated. Now, as you are seated I want you to think the thought “I can’t stand up.” I want you to focus all your attention on that thought. Now, say it out loud. Say it repeatedly until you actually begin to believe it. Continue to say it. While you say it in your most convincing voice….stand up. You see, not all thoughts are true and not all thoughts have to be acted on. Now, emotions are SLIGHTLY different. You see, all emotions are true! (While the facts they are based on may not be). No one can ever say that your emotion isn’t there, or it isn’t true. However, emotions also do not require action. We can choose our behaviors. And this includes to what we choose to give our attention. So, I can engage in behaviors congruent or incongruent with my current emotion. I can pay attention to my pain, or I can choose to divert my attention. Both are appropriate and positive choices at different times.

The next step is to give up my judgments. Dr. Marsha Linehan, PhD, founder of Dialectical Behavioral Therapy (DBT), insists as part of radical acceptance that we have to give up judgments. Judgments are really all those things that we treat as fact (opinions, interpretations, labels) that are not facts (able to be measured by a standard). One of the easiest for people to grasp is this: “I am fat” is a judgment. “I have a BMI that is higher than my doctor’s recommendation” is a fact. When giving up judgments, it’s also helpful to “stop should-ing all over yourself.” “Shoulds” almost always stem from or lead to judgments. If I am to hold space for someone (others or myself) there is no room for should or judgments. When I choose to engage with someone who is hurting if I allow my judgments and “should” to creep in, what I am in essence doing is choosing the shape of that space for them. “I will hold this for you, as long as we both agree this is how it should look.” Giving up judgment doesn’t mean I have to agree with you. It doesn’t mean that I have to accept the behaviors that you exhibit. It doesn’t mean I can’t challenge you. What it means is, that if I am to create a space to hold your pain for a moment that I intentionally choose to withhold judgment and to recognize it’s your story and experience I am holding not my own. I find some mindfulness exercises extremely helpful in accessing this acceptance stance. Watch for a blog on exercises I find most helpful.

Choosing to be fully present is one of the greatest gifts of holding space. The idea that you can just “be” with someone without trying to fix something, without judging, without wondering what they will say next or worrying about what you will say, is foreign to most of our daily conversations. We tend to listen to speak. By choosing to be present in that very moment, not analyzing moments that have passed or predicting ones that will come, we create space where there was none.
Empathy is key to holding space. One of the clearest examples of empathy is this video that uses the words of Brené Brown, author and researcher of Shame, here. “Empathy is feeling with people.” It’s not about forcing yourself to feel one way or another. It’s recognizing someone else is having an emotion and choosing to be present with them in that moment. Empathy is such a powerful way of connecting with people. As Brené shares, don’t mistake sympathy for empathy. Sympathy is feeling bad FOR someone and people rarely want that. Rather, they want someone who is present with them as they feel their pain.
It’s about this portion of the conversation that I see a glazed look come over the eyes of friends and I imagine their thoughts are something like this, “Why would you ever want to spend your whole day doing this?” People are innately wired to see the danger in holding space for others. You see, they recognize that if I hold your pain, I run the risk that I will hurt too. This is a very real thing! I believe that our energy impacts those around us. So, by choosing to hold the pain of others I willingly expose myself to painful energies. So, I have to also be intentional on how I take care of the space I have created.

How to Take Care of the “Holder”

When I was in grad school, professor after professor warned us to engage in self-care, to be plan-ful and intentional as to how we would address that. However, when I got into the field I, like most others, quickly learned I had no idea how to make that happen! I thought it was enough to get a pedicure every once in a while and maybe try to increase my exercise routine. Soon enough, I learned that it has to begin long before I sit with someone else’s pain.

For me, it comes down to rituals. I have rituals about where and how I do therapy. When I was early in my career I had a very recognizable “therapist stance.” My co-workers would laugh when they would come to consult with me because you could literally watch me morph into “therapist mode.” It involved setting my feet securely on the ground and resting both forearms on the arms of my chair. I now am more comfortable in my role and rarely have to enter this actual physical stance, but it does still happen. In my earliest counseling days I had a treasure box that sat on the small table in the room and a collection of river stones. Before a client entered the room, I would place a river stone on the table next to the box. Occasionally I would even hold the stone during a difficult session. As the client would leave I would imagine this stone containing the client’s story. I would lovingly place the stone inside the treasure box and start the process again for the next client. At the end of the day or a few days, I would take the stones to the restroom and clean them with running water allowing me to choose to let that story go for now. I have friends who have “work shoes” and they will literally leave shoes in their office that are meant for when they are holding space for others and before they go home, they change back into regular shoes. I have others who will wash their hands after a particularly difficult session. None of these rituals are magic or curative in their own rite. But, there is something very stabilizing and healing about the intentionality of rituals.

Another ritual (or habit)I have cultivated is consultation. Even after working in the field for years, after achieving the highest credentials I can have, I consult. Sometimes it is enough to hear a peer say, “What a difficult story to hear. I’m glad you were there to hear it.” Other times, I have needed a peer to say, “It’s ok to be afraid.” And sometimes, I didn’t need them to say anything at all. I just needed them to be present in my own processing. We cannot do this alone. Whether you are a professional or someone who holds space for your peers or family, consultation can be critical to maintaining your health.

Boundaries are important. As a professional I set boundaries. I am here to hold space for you for as much of your journey as you need me. However, I don’t hold space for you 24/7. Our sessions have a start time and they have an end time. It is so much harder setting boundaries with friends and family. When they need us to hold space, we want so desperately to help, that we often forget to set boundaries. It’s ok to set boundaries. It’s ok not to walk in their pain 24/7. It’s ok to refuse to keep secrets that place you or them in danger. It’s ok to say I don’t know. It’s ok to be happy even in the darkest of times. It’s ok to suggest they get help outside the family. It’s ok to turn to others for help yourself. Boundaries are not ways to keep others out. They are ways to find balance and safety for all involved.

Traditional Self-Care continues to be important. Maintain a healthy diet, exercise and sleep. (Stop rolling your eyes! I’m not your physician, but it’s important). Also, spend sometime around the ocean (there’s some great research out there showing this really works!), walk barefoot in the grass, do a little retail therapy, play an instrument, and stretch your muscles. Reconnect with what makes your soul sing!

Remember, you’re not alone in this journey of holding space for one another! It’s such a great gift you give to others. Don’t forget to take care of the “holder.”