I’m not really sure why this particular memory flooded my mind this morning as I sat in my car waiting for the rain to stop. However, I thought it was worth sharing. Have you ever noticed that the art of receiving a compliment is just as lost today as the art of giving one?
I was in my undergrad at the University of Connecticut and part of an opera class. One day, our experiential exercise was a rather simple yet deceptively difficult one. We were to walk around the room and when we locked eyes with someone, we were to initiate an interaction. One of us would raise our arms and as such, they were the “hugger”. Consequently, the other was the “hug-ee”. After the hug, the hugger would tell the other a compliment (something they appreciated, a memory, or a standard compliment). The hug-ee was ONLY allowed to say “Thank you” and move on; No immediate reciprocation, no rationalization or minimization. Thank you and move on. The activity continues until everyone has been the hugger with each other member of the class.
Super hard! Why? Because it was hard to think of things to say to the others? Nope! Rather, it’s because to merely accept a compliment without looking down, minimizing your qualities, or rationalizing why it isn’t true, is foreign to us! Some will argue that men accept it better than women, and perhaps that’s true. But, that’s a matter for research studies yet to come. Yet, it struck me how hard this activity was for so many of us.
Fast forward 5 or 6 years and while a teacher at a small private high school, myself and a co-worker put together a retreat for the girls in our classes. At one point in the evening, we had everyone line up in two lines facing one another. Each woman was invited to walk down the path between these lines. As they did, their peers and teachers would pull them into an embrace and whisper a word of affirmation, compliment, etc. I can still feel how powerful this was. Very few women made it to the end without tears. Speaking words of affirmation is a powerful thing! And it’s something we do too little of. Our words have the power to radically impact the lives of those around us. Yet, too often we keep them to ourselves for fear that they may not be accepted. Or maybe it’s because we think someone else has already said it. Or maybe it’s because we don’t want to feel awkward or embarrassed. Whatever the reason, the fact remains: we remain silent.
So, what’s the point of this entry? Where do we go from here? I think there are two messages.
1. SPEAK WORDS OF LIFE TO ONE ANOTHER
The featured image of this entry is a meme that has been going around social media recently. It’s apparently a quote, but if it is misattributed, please blame social media. Everyday we have the ability to speak life to others. It may be something small, or it may be sharing a way that they have profoundly impacted your life. Whatever it is, speak it! Not only will you change the person receiving your compliment, but you may just find it changes your own perspective. You see, I’m a firm believer that if you go searching for darkness that’s all you’ll ever find. And if you go searching for light you’ll be amazed at all the points of light you can find.
I know that sounds a bit hokey and cliché. However, think about toddlers. When they are in a bad mood everything is terrible! The sweater they usually wear without complaint is all of a sudden the itchiest item ever created. Their favorite food is disgusting. And you, the parent trying to feed them that terrible food, have betrayed them in the worst way! Truth is, we haven’t matured that much since our toddler years. When we’re in a bad mood, everything is terrible! And we find more and more reasons to be upset. So, by choosing to look for beautiful things to point out, we just might find more beauty in this world.
2. JUST SAY “Thank You”
Try it. The next time someone pays you a compliment. Try just saying “Thank you. That means a lot.” Leave it there. Don’t compliment them back. Don’t minimize your efforts, talent or beauty. Don’t give the a whole list of reasons why their compliment isn’t true. (FYI, no one likes to be called a liar). You aren’t being selfish or conceited. (Don’t forget, you’ll be simultaneously speaking beauty and life into others lives.) Just appreciate it. Remind yourself that you have a place in this world and regardless of you how feel, you are loved and appreciated by others.
So, I suppose the best way to close this blog is to say, “YOU are LOVED.” You have talents and passions the world needs. You are uniquely qualified to change the lives of those around you. Go out and be the best you that you could possibly be today!