Webster’s Dictionary defines resilience as:
1. the capability of a strained body to recover its size and shape after deformation caused especially by compressive stress
2. an ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change
The second definition is the one most commonly thought of when discussing trauma. And yet, I can’t help but be drawn to the first. You see, trauma comes in lots of shapes and sizes. Practitioners of EMDR (Eye-movement Desensitization Reprocessing) describe “little t” (trauma) and “big T” (Trauma) traumas. In my line of work I most often sit opposite individuals who have experienced one or more Traumas. And yet, I also meet many individuals who have no identifiable Trauma, but a lifetime of accrued traumas. While symptoms and treatment may vary between these two groups of individuals, the resulting impact can be just as disturbing to their daily function. I love this old analogy I found on the web ages ago:
A psychologist walked around a room while teaching stress management to an audience. As she raised a glass of water, everyone expected they’d be asked the “half empty or half full” question. Instead, with a smile on her face, she inquired: “How heavy is this glass of water?” Answers called out ranged from 8 oz. to 20 oz. She replied, “The absolute weight doesn’t matter. It depends on how long I hold it. If I hold it for a minute, it’s not a problem. If I hold it for an hour, I’ll have an ache in my arm. If I hold it for a day, my arm will feel numb and paralyzed. In each case, the weight of the glass doesn’t change, but the longer I hold it, the heavier it becomes.” She continued, “The stresses and worries in life are like that glass of water. Think about them for a while and nothing happens. Think about them a bit longer and they begin to hurt. And if you think about them all day long, you will feel paralyzed – incapable of doing anything.”It’s important to remember to let go of your stresses. As early in the evening as you can, put all your burdens down. Don’t carry them through the evening and into the night. Remember to put the glass down!
When I look at this I am struck by how many “traumas” we carry with us throughout our life. While it would be nice if letting them go were as simple as setting down a glass of water, I recognize it is not. The reasons for this are two-fold:
- We don’t know how to set it down
- They are inextricably woven with the rest of our human experience
We don’t know how:
I grew up in a home where stress was abundant. My parents had both trauma and Trauma. Some of these things were shared with me as a child and many I didn’t learn until I was much older. Looking back, my parents had little knowledge on how to deal with their traumas or Traumas. And so, like any “good Christian military family” they picked themselves up from the bootstraps and marched forward into life. They role modeled how to hold a glass of water for a very long time, all with a smile. (Don’t get me wrong, there are many ways that this skill serves us well. AND, overuse of this skill can be dangerous).
So, as I became an adult and faced stress and trauma in my own life I had to forge my own way. My innate reaction was to compress under the stress. (See why I like definition 1?) I isolated, slept more, stopped self-care and spent more time at work. (I had a high-paced job with high levels of stress that allowed me to “forget” all the emotional stress outside of work). Recovering my size and shape occasionally happened spontaneously without my knowing how or why. However, at other times, it took a conscious decision and deliberate steps.
At some point in my life I began to reach out. I began to associate with people who had mastered this whole “self-care” thing. I began to deep soul searching work that looked at messages I believed that just weren’t true. I had people in my life both personal and professional who literally taught me how to put down the glass. There are concrete skills to resiliency and self-care. They take work, and they work! (Watch for future blog post on skills).
Inextricably woven:
Memory storage is both similar to the movie, “Inside Out” and completely different at the same time. When I explain memory to my clients we talk about three components: the content (what happened), the emotion (how you felt at the time), and the somatic experience (how your body reacted). When we have Traumatic memories, all three parts of the memory are stored just as with any other memory. However, due to the high levels of stress the brain fails to create the neural networks necessary to always recall all three of these at one time. In other words, our left and right brains don’t speak to each other well when it comes to trauma memories (watch for a future blog!).
However, there’s a fourth part to memories that we don’t often talk about: the context. We don’t experience trauma in a vacuum. Rather, we are flooded with smells, sights, textures, and a myriad of other details during a trauma. We always experience trauma in the context of relationships. Even if it is a natural disaster or the perpetrator is a stranger, who we tell or don’t tell and their reactions and the salience of their relationship with us impacts our memory storage and recall of traumatic events.
We cannot experience trauma without a context. Our context impacts our response and long term experience of the trauma and the trauma impacts both our present context as well as our recollection of historical contexts. For some of us, we had contextual resources that aided in our resiliency. For some, our context perpetuated the long term effects of our trauma. As we heal we have to address our historical and present contexts and address how they interact with our trauma. An additional difficulty can be that when we heal, those with whom we have relationships may not be ready to heal and can keep us in the victim stance rather than the survivor (watch for future blog posts on family roles).
While it is not easy to “put down the glass,” there is hope. The human spirit is by nature resilient. The very fact our species has lasted this long is evidence! Resilience does not mean that the object/person returns to its shape unchanged. The truth is, we know trauma changes us at a very fundamental level. (Check out this clip on how words change the molecular structure of water: here.) However, there is hope. We can recover our size in the world. We don’t have to remain small or without a voice. We can recover our shape, our presence and our legacy. Trauma is a powerful event in our lives, and yet it does not diminish us. Our journey to healing is impacted by many things and will not ever look the same for to two people, but it is a journey of hope and it’s one we CAN walk.
If you are unsure of how to address your recent or past trauma, please reach out to a local professional who can help guide you on this journey.