I was driving in my neighborhood the other day and happened to pass a local elementary school during recess. There was a group of children all huddled around the wire fence. Each was waving franticly at cars passing by. I waved back and much of the group moved on to the next car. As I continued past them, the last girl in line mouthed, “Honk! Please! As I honked, she jumped up and down with elation.
I was immediately transported to my youth when on long cross-country drives, the greatest achievement apart from finishing the “alphabet game” was getting the truckers to honk at us. I tried to figure out why that was so impressive. Was it a control thing? I mean, a small child did just get an adult to do their bidding. Was it that I liked the sound of the horn? What made this game such a thrill not only for me, but for countless other children?
It struck me. It was a game of being seen. I smiled as I reflected back on my life and times when I felt fully seen and times when I struggled with the feeling of being invisible or insignificant. This image and theme has resonated with me ever since that day. At first I thought I’d write about the importance of being seen, but I think you probably already have a pretty good grasp on that. And so this post will focus on three tips for when you feel invisible and three steps to seeing those around you.
When You Feel Invisible
- Recognize it for what it is; a moment in time. For me, the times I felt most invisible in my life were times when I felt invalidated by others, or when I felt unworthy of taking up my usual space in life. So the first step is identifying the trigger and labeling it for what it is. Is it a feeling? Or a thought? An event? Someone else’s behaviors or action? Find it and label it.
- Self-Validate. Easier said than done, correct? Well, it’s part of the deal. If I want to be seen by others, I need to see myself. I need to be able to look at my strengths and see my faults and scars all for what they are. And in the midst of that, STILL say I am worthy of being seen. Most importantly, I need to act in accordance with that. That means if I’m going to say I’m worthy of being seen, then I need to put treat myself like those I value. For more information on this, read my post Reverse the Golden Rule.
- Connect with others. You can’t feel seen in isolation. Go out and connect with those around you. Call a friend, send a letter, attend a party, go out to eat even if alone. Now, this connection is not about telling the other person, “See me.” Rather, it’s about being intentional about seeing that person and connecting with them which will, more often than not, result in you feeling seen as well.
Steps to Seeing Those Around Us
- Believe the most generous assumption. Brene Brown talks extensively about this. The general concept is similar to giving the benefit of the doubt. When others do or say things that make us want to move away. part of being intentional about seeing them is choosing the most generous assumption. Recognize that they may be responding out of hurt, that our interpretations of other people’s behaviors are not always accurate, that have a story to tell.
- Listen. Active listening is more than just nodding your head. It’s listening for the express purpose of hearing rather than listening to respond. It’s about looking for ways to validate the speaker even when you can’t validate the message.
- Be seen. It’s intentional that the final tip in each section refers to the other. You see, being vulnerable and open with someone and allowing yourself to be seen by them is part and parcel of seeing them. This is not a voyeuristic journey where one person is seen fully and the other remains in shadow. Rather, by allowing yourself to be seen, then all of a sudden neither of you is on the journey alone. This sojourner relationship has one of the strongest ties to being seen.
I hope that as you build your life worth living, you are seen and see each other more fully each day. You are not invisible. You are loved and valued and worthy of love and being cherished.