The holidays are upon us. The Hallmark station is well into their season of movies and each with a similar story, a reminder that holidays are for family, connecting and most of all, love. Facebook is filled with people endeavoring to do 30 days of Thanksgiving. And radio waves are filled with Christmas music and Black Friday ads. For many of us, the holidays are a magical time of year that we look forward to all year long. Yet, for many of us, this holiday season has its share of pain and loss.
Holidays have this way of causing us to pause and reevaluate life. Nostalgia has us looking back at all the holidays past. And as we make our way toward New Year’s resolutions, we begin to plan and dream of our future. Both of these are good and proper tasks, but they aren’t only filled with happy things. For me, I have learned that giving myself permission has been essential in navigating this time.
Many this year are grieving loved ones lost, through death, relocation, past lovers, severed friendships, or those lost due to simple lack of maintenance to the friendship. I have found myself contemplating those I have lost this year. Usually this involves both the happy memories of holidays filled with laughter and love and the ache in my heart to see and hold them once more. So, as I move toward the holidays, I give myself permission. I give myself permission to look to the past, and to ache in the present. AND I give myself permission to focus my attention on the present.
Sometimes we try to say we shouldn’t be sad. And therefore, we forget that it’s okay to remember and miss those who have passed on. At other times, we are so caught in our grief that we miss the present. We can be so caught up in what was, that we forget that it’s okay to laugh and love today.
For me, the big danger with this is my selective memory. You see, much like most humans, my brain remembers all of the wonderful memories. It looks much like the Hallmark trailers filled with memories that led to my childlike belief that this perfection is what I should create for myself and my family in the future.
Did you notice how the “shoulds” seem to be piling up? Holidays are FILLED with them. I should decorate like Martha Stewart. I should attend all the holiday festivities in town. I should cook the green bean casserole even though I don’t like it. And, if you’re like me, you can get so caught up in the busyness of trying to achieve all these “should” that there is no time for any of the spontaneity and relaxation that the present holds for us.
Let’s not forget those New Year’s resolutions. I mean, those are probably the biggest “should” we encounter all year long. This, I think, is partially because too often we build these resolutions out of the comparisons we’ve made through this season. We’ve scrolled Facebook and Pinterest, we’ve attended parties and all the while we create the list of the ways we don’t measure up or we should be better.
So, another lesson I’m learning is I give myself permission to replace should with could. I could do many of these things. I get to choose which to do when (usually). I can choose a direction to focus my life. There are so many statements that begin with “There are some things I should do” that I’m tempted to write even now. And yet, I choose to say could, even now.
We are connected. And holidays can seem like the loneliest time or the most crowded. So I’ve learned another fact over the years. Even the most introverted of introverts needs people and needs to connect. AND even the most extroverted of extroverts needs time apart. Take what you need. Stretch yourself to be outside of your comfort. Seek balance. Now, what may be balanced for an introvert may look very different than what’s balanced for an extrovert. Yet, we each need to find some time during this busy season to connect with each other and to be alone.
Since we’re connected, I want to point out that we ought to be aware of those around us. For every engagement that happens, for every pregnancy announcement, for every “1st Christmas” ornament, there is someone grieving. There are those who feel alone, and those who are hungry. There are those who have just broken up with the person they thought would be “the one.” There are those who still wait for answered prayers. Let’s notice them. Let’s show them they are loved and cared for. AND let’s avoid the “shoulds”. They don’t really need to hear that they should dress up for the holiday party or the should be happy for what they have. They, like us, need to know that we see them, we love them, and we want them to be with us.