Two or three years ago, I began to get the urge to write a book. The title of this post was the title that I contemplated. You see, over the years, I’ve wondered if my clients can see what I see when I look at them. Well, that answer is almost always “no.” In fact, one of the primary jobs I have as a counselor is to give fresh perspective to someone’s inner self-reflection. So, today I thought I would share with you one of the lessons I hope all of my clients have taken with them.
From my chair, you are BRAVE! Brene Brown speaks in her Ted Talks and in her books about the definition of the word, “courage.” In her book “I Thought It Was Just Me: Women Reclaiming Power and Courage in a Culture of Shame” she has the following quote:
“Courage is a heart word. The root of the word courage is cor – the Latin word for heart. In one of its earliest forms, the word courage meant “To speak one’s mind by telling all one’s heart.” Over time, this definition has changed, and today, we typically associate courage with heroic and brave deeds. But in my opinion, this definition fails to recognize the inner strength and level of commitment required for us to actually speak honestly and openly about who we are and about our experiences — good and bad. Speaking from our hearts is what I think of as “ordinary courage.”
She has similar statements in more of her books and lectures. I’ve been struck by this. She says the definition of courage is to “own our story with our whole heart.” She goes on to talk about owning it without feeling the need to add to it or subtract from it. This ability to observe and describe without adding or subtracting is a critical skill taught in Dialectical Behavioral Therapy. So, how are my client’s (and YOU) brave? How do they exemplify courage with this definition.
You Show Up
Literally every time you walk in the door, it’s an act of courage. When I meet with a client for the first time one of my first questions after we sit is, “Are you feeling nervous today?” It’s a rather superfluous question, because of COURSE they are nervous. They have made the amazingly courageous decision to share their story with what is currently, a complete stranger.
However, there’s an even greater way that my clients show up, day after day. They come ready. They are ready to be honest and authenticate, they grapple with things and they experience them fully. Now, I know not every client is ready for this. Nor does anyone show up in this manner every single therapy session. We all get scared, we all hide, we all avoid. And on those days, my job is to be present where they are at and lay the foundation for the day they can show up. But, day after day, I get to witness people Showing Up.
I also get to hear how they take what they have grappled with and choose to Show Up in their own lives. I bear witness to them choosing to take value directed action. I get to watch them grow in their effectiveness in sharing their authenticity with the people they love and care about in their daily lives.
You Begin to See It as It Is
Self-reflection is such a courageous thing to do. And to do it without adding to or taking away from it is hard work! What do I mean by that? Well, as humans, we have a tendency to ADD interpretations to the stories we tell ourselves. I might be walking through a crowded room, when someone who has hurt me in the past, appears to look my direction then laughs while texting on her phone. What happens to the story I tell myself? Well, of course it’s that she’s laughing AT ME! Often I go even further and add the reason WHY she’s laughing at me. Maybe I decided it’s because she’s not a nice person. Or maybe I decide it’s because I deserve to be laughed at. Do you see how this works? I can’t possibly be the only one who does this, right?
We, also have a tendency to SUBTRACT from our stories. A great example of this is in my blog THANK YOU, BUT. You see, we have a tendency to downplay our efforts and value in our stories. Some of us downplay our own positive contributions and all of us at times downplay tour own responsibility in situations.
As you grapple with all of the topics, stories, and situations that you bring with you to my room, your ability to begin to see it as it is, is nothing short of awe-inspiring.
You Leave Me
Every session has its end time. You bravely toss your Kleenex, gather your items and leave my office. You enter the outside world and you do your “homework.” You apply all the things you’ve learned and discovered and you generalize across situations. You are one brave warrior! And every counseling relationship, has an end.
Perhaps one of the hardest and most exciting parts about the counseling relationship is when we finally say goodbye for the last time. You are so brave! A little secret? It’s hard on us too! I enjoy getting to watch your journey unfold, and when the time comes that you’re ready to walk it on your own, it’s a bit bittersweet.
I will close this blog with a memory of a young client. She was a young adult, going through all the transitions that come with graduating high school. During the 18 months we were together, we dealt with family relationships, romantic relationships, the decision whether or not to go to college, fear of social situations and now came the time to say goodbye. Saying goodbye wasn’t her choice, per se. I was accepting a new position and would no longer maintain the same caseload. After discussing her options and possible referrals, we reviewed her progress and treatment plan and she wisely decided she was ready to walk this journey on her own. She asked me to walk her out, she wanted me to walk her not only out into the lobby as was my usual custom, but out the front door. As we stood on the patio there, she said “What if I can’t do it?” I got to tell her I knew she could, and if there ever came a time that she needed someone to walk the journey with her for a while, our office would be there she just had to come back. She took a deep breath and headed for her car. I have rarely been so humbled nor so proud of someone.
Unfortunately, that’s where her story ends for me. As a therapist, I don’t get to see what your story holds after you leave. But, I hold all the best for each of you. I am forever cheering for you from the stands. I like to think she’s tackling every day with the same courage she showed on a regular basis in my office as I hope you are as well.
For more information on Brene Brown’s work, please visit brenebrown.org or purchase one of her books, my personal favorites are The Gifts of Imperfection, and Rising Strong.