I was riding in the car with a friend recently and we hit that lull that happens when you travel distances with others. That moment when the conversation stops, the music becomes just background noise and you look aimlessly out the window. As I was doing that, I saw a tree in the middle of a field and the phrase “drowning in a desert” came to me as clear as the day.
I had no idea what it was or why I had thought of it. I thought perhaps it was an idea for a play, or a story. My mind began sketching out what that might look like. But each time, I hit a point where the idea just stopped. So, I figured it was just a random thought and it was time to let it go.
Then today I was scrolling through my Facebook feed and there was post after post about what is occurring as Dr. Ford shares her story of alleged assault at the hands of Judge Kavanaugh. Now, I use the word alleged not because I don’t personally believe her story, but because this is a counseling post and not a political one. It is sparked by a political event, but I am not weighing in on a political or judicial matter.
As I continued to scroll I came across some of the posts related to #whyididntreport. I read them and my heart broke over and over. Not because they were stories that were different or somehow harsher than stories I already knew. Rather, my heart broke because it is far to familiar. Stories of women and men whose very being was violated by someone else. Stories of these survivors too ashamed or fearful to tell or even worse yet, survivors who told and were met with reproach. It was at this moment that the phrase “drowning in a desert” came back to me.
Are you familiar with the terms “dry drowning” or “secondary drowning”? These can be fatal complications of exposure to water in your airways. But it doesn’t happen in that moment. The victim isn’t bobbing up and down in the water. In fact “secondary drowning” can sometimes happen a full 24 hours after the exposure to water.
You see the victim is exposed to water (sometimes a large amount and sometimes very little). In secondary drowning, some water makes it to the lung. Usually this causes coughing and other breathing changes meant to expel the water from the body. Picture the young child who unexpectedly goes into the water over their head. As they are pulled from the water by their guardian, they cough and cry and shake. Moments later everything presumably returns to normal and the child resumes their play. But the water that reached the lung lining can cause an irrritation, that over time can spread, and eventually can impede the respiratory function causing the child to die hours after they have left the pool.
You see, for many, the stories of their trauma are like that irritation. Whether they lie dormant or cause a nagging, hacking “cough,” the stories are still there. Time moves on. Survivors move on, sometimes to a totally different life. And by the time that the irritation begins to cause difficulty breathing, they may be so far removed from the situation that it is almost as if they are in a desert. So when they cry out, “I’m drowning” we easily dismiss their claims. For how could anyone possibly drown in a desert??
A desert, by definition, has no water. And if someone were to drown, surely it would have happened where there was water. Surely they would have sought attention before arriving at the desert. In the desert they are a successful suntanned beauty, how could a story as ugly as this be true? Right?
Millions are drowning in the desert. Many are alone, disillusioned by family, friends and society, fearful of not being heard or worse, dismissed. Just like “secondary drowning” the impacts may be consistent and long lasting or may sneak up on you long after the exposure. It doesn’t “look” like drowning, so many people dismiss it, but it can be fatal none the less.
AND just like “secondary drowning” there is treatment. If the “irritation” of your trauma makes it difficult to breathe or to live your life to the fullest, reach out to a professional who can help you on this healing journey. Not everyone who gets water in their lungs is doomed to drown or to even live with this constant irritation; healing happens! You are not alone. You are heard. You are loved.
And if in your daily interactions you come across someone who says they’re drowning in the desert, be kind, be gracious, and support their journey to healing.