I remember being a young child and saying something to the effect of “It hurts when I do this.” And my parent responded “Then don’t do that.” Am I the only one? Surely I’m not. In fact, I know I’m not. Now, I am in no way saying that this simple childhood interaction is the CAUSE of any maladaptive behaviors we have now. But, I am saying it’s a great example for me to talk about avoidance and its impact on us today, as adults.
Humans like most animals learn through this reciprocal process of behavior. In other words, cause and effect have a great impact on what we choose to do or not do. For instance, another specific memory I have as a young girl was ironing with my Grammy. Grammy ironed EVERYTHING. So spending time with her at that age often meant watching her iron. Grammy went to leave the room and said “Now, Aeryn don’t touch the iron.” Being a rather precocious preschooler, I was fascinated by the pattern on the iron. I have NO IDEA what possessed me to do it (other than perhaps because I had been told not to), but I placed my tiny hand right on the hot plate of that iron. It made contact for maybe a millisecond, but my hand was in a great deal of pain. Grammy came in and after seeing the tears in my eyes, said “Did you touch that iron?” She took care of me, I was duly scolded, life moved on. However, regardless of how young and precocious I was, my brain made some very serious connections: If an iron is on, chances are it’s hot. If it’s hot and you touch it, it will hurt.” I promise you in the almost 40 years since that day, I have never again intentionally touched a hot iron. Lesson learned. I don’t like to be I pain, pain hurts, so avoid touching hot iron plates.
The above example is a really good example of learning that occurs and that is ultimately essential to the survival of mankind. But, let’s look at that first example where “It hurts when I do this.” Imagine that you hurt your shoulder. And now, it hurts to raise your arm above your shoulders. If we took the lesson we learned as children, “Don’t do that,” and applied it rigidly, we would stop raising our arm above our shoulder. No biggie. The pain doesn’t occur, we are not uncomfortable and for most situations it has little bearing on our ability to function. But, let’s say that in reality, you’ve actually caused some real damage to your shoulder. Your long term restriction of movement has now resulted in things healing much tighter than they should. After a few months you realize you can’t raise that arm to chest height. Think of all the things you can no longer do… brush your own hair, hug your child with both arms after they graduate high school, brush your teeth with that arm, pull your blinds down evenly, hang a picture… the list goes on and on. By the time you see the doctor, not only have you missed these moments that are ostensibly important to you, the way to healing now requires recreating the injury, starting the healing over, and long term physical therapy.
Okay, so I can hear you right now saying “That’s ridiculous. When it’s kids it’s usually something silly they are doing, as adults we know better. If I was hurt, I’d go see a doctor.” And you’re right! As adults, most of us recognize the difference between aches and pains and injuries. We learned that through the years as kids. However, when it comes to our emotions, we haven’t really always learned that much.
Fear, pain and discomfort. These three feelings rule much of human behavior. Or rather, the avoidance of these emotions. Think about your previous week, how many times did you (or if you’re totally enlightened, someone you know) avoid a situation, a task, a conversation out of wanting to avoid one of these three feelings? It’s completely normal human behavior to want to avoid these. And we become masters at it, through our lifetime.
So, what’s the problem? There are two potentially harmful effects that can result:
1. The “bad stuff” actually grows and becomes more powerful.
2. We miss out on the things we really WANT to do.
The bad stuff grows. When we avoid negative emotions by avoiding certain behaviors, locations, or conversations our brains get a little “pleasure boost” from our reward center. Because it worked! However, our brain wants to make sure we continue to get these little boosts. And so, it starts to connect one item to another and increases what I’ll call our “circle of avoidance.” So let’s imagine that I have a trauma based fear of Street A. I really don’t want to recall those painful memories, or experience that fear. In other words “It hurts when I go to Street A” and so my brain says “Then don’t do that.” It works, in fact I have avoided that street for a whole week and life is moving swimmingly. Only, on Tuesday I have a doctor’s appointment on Avenue B which is RIGHT NEXT to Street A. My heart starts to race as I realize how close I am to Street A. I can hardly even listen to my doctor’s report on my health. As I pull away from the doctor’s office, I decide it’s time to find a new doctor. You see my mind has said “When I go to Avenue B, I think about Street A. It hurts when I think about Street A.” and then the inevitable “Then don’t do that.” If I follow this story to it’s final conclusion with this logic, eventually I have to move completely and get a new identity in order to avoid any thought, location or person that would remind me of Street A.
I know that this is a fictional event that is exaggerated to the extreme. However, the essence of this story is a lot of what drives anxiety and trauma based disorders. It’s a lot of why so many of us procrastinate and then get caught up in shame-cycles. It’s at the heart of so much of our pain. Which was what we were trying to AVOID! (Have you heard me say yet that humans tend to engage in the behaviors that get them the exact opposite of what they want? If not, check out the other blog posts!)
So, what about number 2, “We miss out on what we really want to do”? So much of what we want is usually on the other side of our fear. In the ridiculous scenario above, I would have given up my doctor, my home, my job, my family, my friends all to avoid thinking of Street A. But, what about a more realistic example. I remember being a freshman in college, pursuing a music degree. I knew NO ONE. I was all of a sudden a very small fish in a very large pond. I walked in full of confidence and excitement. And then, I went to the practice rooms to prepare for auditions. And I heard it…..the sound of soprano after soprano who was more trained, more ready, more skilled. I went downstairs and looked to see who was auditioning for the select choir and promptly scratched my name off the list. I’d rather not try, then try and embarrass myself by failing miserably. Over the next two years I would watch choir concert after choir concert wishing I was a part. I would be jealous of the travel pics others would share. Then one day, I was working on a small project with the professor who happened to direct that choir. I finished singing a selection he asked me to sing and he said, “Why have you never auditioned for my choir, we could have used you.” I mumbled something along the lines of “I don’t know about that” and quickly made my exit. FEAR and then the ensuing negative self talk and even shame kept me from something I desperately wanted. Perhaps if I auditioned I would have made it! Perhaps not. Now, over 20 years later, I still don’t know because fear won that day. To avoid discomfort, embarrassment and pain, I chose not to pursue what I wanted.
So what’s the alternative?
You know the other thing humans are really good at? Pendulum swings. So the opposite of avoidance is flooding. Flooding is an intentional high level consistent exposure to the object or situation tied to the fear, anxiety or trauma. It’s super helpful in counseling when addressing the negative impacts of these things. For example, someone who is afraid of clowns might start by looking at photos of circus tents sans clowns. Then, pictures of clowns. Then they might touch the red nose etc, in a safe environment. Then they might watch clowns on video. Then from a safe distance live. Finally, the person may shake a clown’s hand. See, intentionally facing the fear and surrounding yourself with that stimuli. This is a structured format of flooding and is often used with phobias and anxiety related issues.
But what about those really painful memories? What about the traumas? What about the past events that hurt any time I think about them so I have purposely not thought of them for maybe even decades? I mean, it CAN’T be healthy to just sit there and ruminate on these and let all that pain build up and destroy me, right?? Right…. and wrong. Yes, you need time to sit with those thoughts and those feelings so they don’t get larger than they are. And NO ONE can live their whole life in a state of flooding. No one can handle that much pain and discomfort. Working with anxiety and trauma, fear and shame, this is hard work. And like any hard work you need structured time limited vacations. This is where seeing someone in a professional setting can be helpful to help create a structure around this process.
So, what’s the real alternative?
Let’s set aside these large issues we’ve listed above and talk seriously about the things that impact us on a daily basis. What are you avoiding? And is it getting in the way of what you want? Perhaps your dislike of phone calls keeps you from negotiating a repayment schedule on a loan that is actually feasible, and instead you run in the red each month. Perhaps your fear of a fatal diagnosis keeps you from seeing your doctor and therefore you can’t do physical activities you want to do. Perhaps your fear of embarrassment keeps you from performing with others. I don’t know what it is, but I do know this.
The first step is determining your values: What’s the essential heart of who you are? What “makes your heart sing” as a professor used to say? Some of us know the answer to that and can answer instantly. However, many of us would spout off a long list of values that we know humans “should” have, a list we have carefully crafted over decades of watching and emulating others. If you listed more than three, I challenge you to go back and see if you can get it down to three. If you’re having a hard time knowing where to start, try using a values card sort exercise like this one.
If you’re really ready to rumble with your values, then take a minute and evaluate your life. The one you’re ACTUALLY living. How in tune are your behaviors with your values? Are you doing things that align with them? Or are you maybe doing things that get you even further away. For instance, if I put that I really valued physical health am I eating a healthy diet, engaging in exercise, and seeing my physician regularly? Or am I enjoying a vanilla milkshake on my couch watching someone else do a marathon on tv?
If examining your WHOLE life in this moment feels COMPLETELY overwhelming (me, me me!!!) then try this. pick one thing you can do to move toward one of your most important values. Just one. If it’s a little scary, or something that you would usually procrastinate on or avoid, even better. Just make sure its actually a value that is important to YOU and that the behavior you choose is actually moving you toward that value. Try it out, commit to it even if fear and discomfort come along for the journey.
I’ll leave you with metaphor that is used in Allen H. Weg’s book “Treating OCD Through Storytelling” (here). Allen shares the story of how to create a wasp catcher. It involves using a two liter bottle where you have removed the top portion and inserted it upside down in the bottom. You add a bit of honey to the bottom of the 2 liter (to attract the wasp) and then cover the bottom portion with black electrical tape and hang the 2 liter upside down. The wasp will be attracted to the sweetness and fly into the 2 liter. Once it has its fill, however, it will not fly back out. Why? It will still fit through the opening! It hasn’t moved! The answer is that they are programmed to move toward light. They are in essence too afraid (genetically speaking) to fly through the darkness. However, if they would override that genetic predisposition and be uncomfortable for just that moment, freedom would be on the other side of it. Instead, the wasp will continue to fly up and hit the bottle until eventually it tires and dies.
Brave a bit of darkness if your values are on the other side! You got this! Let’s live a life worth living!